Friday, October 15, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Re-inventing parenting or re-defining childhood?
My family swerved off the parenting highway and are negotiating our path through some fairly dense verdant jungles. It isn't so much that we are reinventing parenting as redefining the power relations.
When my eldest son was born we chose to have a midwife assisted homebirth. Our doctor advised us against it and misdirected us by insisting we needed a consult with an obstetrician first. Luckily, I had some spotting and the receptionist who answered the phone was really rude. My partner and I searched the yellow pages and telephoned midwifery practises. Of the three practises in our area there was only one spot available. Had I waited another week or another day or another hour I would not have given birth at home with a midwife. Serendipity struck.
As my pregnancy progressed, I was shocked to learn about iogenic incidents in hospitals. All the horror stories I read or was told started with...”and then they decided to induce labour” or “and then they broke my waters” or involved medical intervention. I had looked at midwifery with much interest and intellectual curiosity.
I discovered that most of the world, particularly in Norway and throughout most of history midwives caught our babies. Our approach to childbirth was relatively new, though, statistically doctors may have surpassed midwives as primary caregivers in Canada it certainly took a long time to get women to agree to give birth in hospital. Only the poor gave birth in hospital for a long time. Mortality rates were higher with doctors. The respect just wasn't there for nature or for women or for their babies or for clean hands.
I suppose homebirth was an unconventional choice thirteen years ago. Each unconventional choice led to the next--as our confidence grew. Having given birth at home successfully it was easier to follow my instincts around co-sleeping, and nursing on demand.
My son had an undescended testicle, so we visited a doctor when he was two days old. The doctor told me my son was using me as a pacifier and made some vague statement about my milk not being in. He turned to address my husband, talking over me, when I contradicted this idea by explaining my milk would come in only if I continued to suckle the baby. He did convince my partner of the need to feed the baby sugar water with a baby bottle. He insisted that my milk would not come in until a could get an eight hours of interrupted sleep. This completely contradicted everything I read about demand and supply. This led to an argument.
I suppose homebirth was an unconventional choice thirteen years ago. Each unconventional choice led to the next--as our confidence grew. Having given birth at home successfully it was easier to follow my instincts around co-sleeping, and nursing on demand.
My son had an undescended testicle, so we visited a doctor when he was two days old. The doctor told me my son was using me as a pacifier and made some vague statement about my milk not being in. He turned to address my husband, talking over me, when I contradicted this idea by explaining my milk would come in only if I continued to suckle the baby. He did convince my partner of the need to feed the baby sugar water with a baby bottle. He insisted that my milk would not come in until a could get an eight hours of interrupted sleep. This completely contradicted everything I read about demand and supply. This led to an argument.
Luckily we did not have either a baby bottle or ordinary white sugar in our house. This had really perplexed the doctor, who kept repeating the instruction fearing we had misunderstood and thinking about buying formula. The only sweetners in our home were maple syrup, honey, and molasses. My partner felt bad about leaving me home alone and so by the time he found someone to come over my milk had come in. Once my milk came in our son decided to set a cluster feeding record.
Dutifully, my partner changed diapers, and brought me water, while waiting for a break so he could slip away to purchase the white sugar but none came. Here was the wonderful lesson that we were responsible for our son's wellbeing.
Dutifully, my partner changed diapers, and brought me water, while waiting for a break so he could slip away to purchase the white sugar but none came. Here was the wonderful lesson that we were responsible for our son's wellbeing.
Our lifelearning journey thus began we found our way to playgrounds and drop-ins. For me, when my then two year old refused to leave a park despite the rainclouds, having another mother tell me emphatically that he didn't respect me was a bit confusing. When I examined the behaviour of a two year old oblivious to approaching rain, I realized that he did in fact respect me. He respected as much as I respected him: he just did not obey me. I did not obey him, either. Although Rowan and I ended came home soaked to the skin we had a blast, once I understood that unlike Dorothy's witch we would not melt. This was the first in a long line of incidents that tested my commitment to be a respectful parent.
I could often persuade Rowan to go along with my plans: such as getting home before the rain if I forgot our rain gear. The harm I saw in getting drenched was following a parenting convention which I wasn't so sure about, but felt I should try to follow, in case anyone accused me of fraudulently impersonating a parent.
My son iput me in a position with his wonderful two year old eyes to ask all the questions I had stopped asking after I became an adult. Two year olds are the logical tireless users of the enquiry based learning model.
My son iput me in a position with his wonderful two year old eyes to ask all the questions I had stopped asking after I became an adult. Two year olds are the logical tireless users of the enquiry based learning model.
Eventually, I tried to deconstruct our relationship and came to two conclusions: he didn't obey me nor did I violate his bodily sovereignty to enforce obedience. It meant that everything was a discussion. We were practising consensus, in that either of us could resist and block the other. Generally my son and I got along amazingly well. I remember one day feeling embarrassed as a closet consensual parenter, when I picked my son up to put him in the stroller. All the parents were watching. He was a year and a half and told me firmly: stop, put me down.
I did, while blushingly stuttering my theories about respect and not raising a wife beater. I was quite embarrassed. One mother watching me surprised me by expressing interest in what I was doing. She noticed when I picked up my son he always asked me to stop. He never kicked me in the stomach and turned blue screaming. I blundered my way through an explanation.
My partner and I had gone to marriage counselling over my parenting style. Though I could not bring myself to follow the established rules, I always felt embarrassed. Occasionally I'd overhear someone saying, "there goes the wingnut" and that certainly didn't help my confidence.
I valued children's emotional and intellectual integrity as well as physical safety. I had no qualms about according my son the same respect as I would any adult. Though, I certainly tolerated more incursions on my physical and emotional boundaries from my three children, than I would from anyone else. I always considered what they said. But if there was ever danger and I grabbed the back of my son's coat and pulled him back to the kerbside.
People later labelled what I was doing unschooling, or lifelearning but at the time I though we were doing was experiential learning or simply being respectful of one another as collaborators. We were a mutual admiration society. I began talking to him as an equal from the day he was born and so thought of him as such. I wanted us to build a real relationship, rather than a textbook one. I was letting my son raise himself, with me as the resource. I reasoned that we weren't living in a lab or a textbook, so it didn't make sense for us to let someone in a lab or writing a textbook direct our relationship.
Years later on the parenting circuit with my other two younger boys I began visiting various drop-in parenting centres close to my house. I began to understand that my criteria for children's behaviour and adult behaviour were thoroughly different from those of the experts. I expected to model patience, understanding and compassionate communication for my children. It seemed in direct opposition to what I was seeing other parents doing and I felt pressure to conform.
Adults modelled violence, and spoke rudely to children. Or they made requests and then forced the children to realize they were dictum in polite language and physically violated their individual sovereignty to enforce their wishes. Adults coerced children into obeying, yet expected children themselves to aspire to the higher ideal of peaceful conduct.
It seemed so obvious to me that disregarding and manhandling children could not help but lead them to behave in that fashion with adults and with one another, yet when I pointed out the emperor wore no clothes eyes rolled.
I chose to respond respectfully when my youngest son bit me or screamed or use emphatic language. I refused to call it a meltdown, or buy into that dismissive language that labels children's powerlessness as "whining". Paradoxically, I began to label adults loosing their tempers as having meltdowns and tantrums, shifting the words to better understand what was happening, in an effort to deconstruct interactions amoung children or between children and adults. I suppose I saw violence in the manner adults “gently” took things from children or redirected their behaviour. They were picked up against their will, made to participate in story time, and constantly shushed so that important words of adults could impart knowledge. I expected more from adults: politeness, patience, and respect for physical boundaries.
To me the expectations seemed backwards. Adults with maturity and experience could compel others with physical, emotion or intellectual violence to meet their needs in a situation, whereas children were expected to be polite and keep their cool in the face of disempowerment and adult violence.
Knowledge as something waiting to be discovered or perhaps created was a novel idea. When I traded places with my children I understood that as an adult I would have a difficult time not responding with anger and frustration—that of course is with my experience and “understanding” pushed to its limit I could not find the resources to smile politely and obey without question time after time. I began to question how adults could possibly have such standards for children that they themselves could not meet, nor felt it necessary to meet nor were able to see the relationships between their coercive behaviour and negative outcomes in interactions with small children.
I thought of children first as apprentices, then later as individuals on their own path to gain the knowledge they needed. I realized that they were “in training” and required a wider berth than adults. As they lacked the power to hold adults to deals this made their positions always tenuous.
I am more willing to forgive a child who hits me in frustration than an adult, because I can accept that as a imperfect communication tool from a child. By not responding in kind, but by modelling a different way of dealing with frustration, fear or pain I can help that child see another path. A path in which mutual understanding and compassion help us trust one another--a satisfying path which benefits everyone in our lives.
I am more willing to forgive a child who hits me in frustration than an adult, because I can accept that as a imperfect communication tool from a child. By not responding in kind, but by modelling a different way of dealing with frustration, fear or pain I can help that child see another path. A path in which mutual understanding and compassion help us trust one another--a satisfying path which benefits everyone in our lives.
Monday, May 24, 2010
What is a parent's job? Is it to judge a child's decisions and "guide" them so they are always safe? Is it to nurture confidence--giving unconditional love so a child learns to make choices that will keep him or her safe.
I create the safe spaces to deal with scary stuff. The child learns to deal with it.
Many people looking at us see my children as over-protected. Others see them as too free.
Children learn to walk and talk, and so they learn ethics.
My children live surrounded by many cultures, which sometimes violate my ethics. We examine ideas and practises. Life isn't compartmentalized--they aren't hidden in a nursery, and don't wait to be spoken to in silence. They are explorers.
When my child sees a used condom in the park I explain what it is used for and how I wish the users had a different venue. They aren't, I suppose innocent. I wouldn't reply to a question without providing as much information as the child requires. But then knowledge is power and it is a continuum from ignorant to knowledgeable. In seeing a condom a child in our culture knows not to pick it up, though and why.
"Innocence" is a concept that hasn't been around long and it hasn't served children very well. I am not sure innocence or ignorance is freedom. I see it as exclusion from participating fully and possibly creating vulnerability. In other times and in other cultures children have witnessed animals being slaughtered for food, animals giving birth and probably animals copulating all before the age of five.
But my kids know what is normal in our culture and have a sense of their own sovereignty. I don't go out of my way to show them scary things, but anything encountered gets explained. Knowledge gives context and protection of sorts: providing freedom to enjoy life to its fullest in safety.
I am going for an integrated living approach. I try to honour their impulses. I think ignorance is dangerous and I think kids assimilate information as "apprenticing" adults.
I have seen children who are confident and enjoy freedom, make choices in many areas. For instance, one of my son's friends set up a ramp to jump with bikes fours summers ago. My son, the daredevil decided it wasn't safe. His position of daredevil I realized was a moot point as far as he was concerned. He hadn't bought into it at all, so he had no problem telling his friend he did not feel the jump was safe. He really was only doing things he felt safe doing all along; though he acquired a reputation as a "daredevil" among his circle of friends.
I was within earshot, so was aware there was for Rowan a perception of danger but could hear the attempts of others to persuade Rowan by nagging or shaming him into doing something he did not wish to do. I was not worried about physical danger because I felt Rowan able to make that decision with respect to bike riding and ramps, but rather his feelings of self-worth. Rowan made his choice and then dropped by for some parental reassurance--not to gage whether I thought the jump was dangerous, but just reassurance that it was his choice.
All I did was ask, "Do you think you made the right choice?". He replied affirmatively and I exhaled. He did not feel bad about his choice. He expressed disappointment in his friend, but was still secure in himself and his choice. We celebrated his judgement and it was sweet.This episode deepened my trust and respect, because I saw him in a situation where his own judgement that something was unsafe superseded his wish to belong to a group. My admiration reinforced his ability to walk away from a "friend" who wasn't giving him autonomy, trust and respect--though that was not my intention.
I create the safe spaces to deal with scary stuff. The child learns to deal with it.
Many people looking at us see my children as over-protected. Others see them as too free.
Children learn to walk and talk, and so they learn ethics.
My children live surrounded by many cultures, which sometimes violate my ethics. We examine ideas and practises. Life isn't compartmentalized--they aren't hidden in a nursery, and don't wait to be spoken to in silence. They are explorers.
When my child sees a used condom in the park I explain what it is used for and how I wish the users had a different venue. They aren't, I suppose innocent. I wouldn't reply to a question without providing as much information as the child requires. But then knowledge is power and it is a continuum from ignorant to knowledgeable. In seeing a condom a child in our culture knows not to pick it up, though and why.
"Innocence" is a concept that hasn't been around long and it hasn't served children very well. I am not sure innocence or ignorance is freedom. I see it as exclusion from participating fully and possibly creating vulnerability. In other times and in other cultures children have witnessed animals being slaughtered for food, animals giving birth and probably animals copulating all before the age of five.
But my kids know what is normal in our culture and have a sense of their own sovereignty. I don't go out of my way to show them scary things, but anything encountered gets explained. Knowledge gives context and protection of sorts: providing freedom to enjoy life to its fullest in safety.
I am going for an integrated living approach. I try to honour their impulses. I think ignorance is dangerous and I think kids assimilate information as "apprenticing" adults.
I have seen children who are confident and enjoy freedom, make choices in many areas. For instance, one of my son's friends set up a ramp to jump with bikes fours summers ago. My son, the daredevil decided it wasn't safe. His position of daredevil I realized was a moot point as far as he was concerned. He hadn't bought into it at all, so he had no problem telling his friend he did not feel the jump was safe. He really was only doing things he felt safe doing all along; though he acquired a reputation as a "daredevil" among his circle of friends.
I was within earshot, so was aware there was for Rowan a perception of danger but could hear the attempts of others to persuade Rowan by nagging or shaming him into doing something he did not wish to do. I was not worried about physical danger because I felt Rowan able to make that decision with respect to bike riding and ramps, but rather his feelings of self-worth. Rowan made his choice and then dropped by for some parental reassurance--not to gage whether I thought the jump was dangerous, but just reassurance that it was his choice.
All I did was ask, "Do you think you made the right choice?". He replied affirmatively and I exhaled. He did not feel bad about his choice. He expressed disappointment in his friend, but was still secure in himself and his choice. We celebrated his judgement and it was sweet.This episode deepened my trust and respect, because I saw him in a situation where his own judgement that something was unsafe superseded his wish to belong to a group. My admiration reinforced his ability to walk away from a "friend" who wasn't giving him autonomy, trust and respect--though that was not my intention.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Unschooling in the city...
Where are the urban unschoolers? How do we delicately feed ourselves from this smorgasbord--which alternates between too much variety and too little. A smorgasboard with many lined up to partake: judging us. I dream of green space...but really I have so much in my life. Creating our unschooling nest just requires love luck and ingenuity. Things we have in abundance around here. I won't live in self-imposed exile any longer.
Where are the urban unschoolers? How do we delicately feed ourselves from this smorgasbord--which alternates between too much variety and too little. A smorgasboard with many lined up to partake: judging us. I dream of green space...but really I have so much in my life. Creating our unschooling nest just requires love luck and ingenuity. Things we have in abundance around here. I won't live in self-imposed exile any longer.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
On Saturday night my 14 year old son and I went out and bought snacks. As we picked out snacks my son chatted about what movie we might watch, picked out raw veggies for a crudite plate, a bag of cheese popcorn, and a dessert.
Cashiers and other shoppers kept catching my eye and smiling. My son is taller than me, has long hair and was dressed kind like a "cool" kid. When he calls me "mom" it has a certain tenderness in the tone&mash;kind of the tone I use when I call one of the boys "honey" or "sweetie". He often calls me Marina. I answer to both, lol.
I realized as we walked home that people thought it is incongruous to see a Teen Boy out with his ma. I think that is in part about unschoolingmash;the affectionate respectful dialogue between parent and child. As we were leaving people were gaping as he sweetly asked me to switch bags with him, so I could carry the lighter one :)
In the past when someone with a younger child in tow has asked for "the secret" to all this respect I seem to receive I notice they can't *hear* the answer. I gave a lot of respect, choices and did a lot of trusting. I didn't ignore him. I was the resource. I listened, advised, and loved and laughed and supported. Unschooling is license, it isn't throwing conventional social rules out the window, but it is about taking a respectful approach to introducing social rules, and information. It is about a dialogue and about working together. You are responsible for the child, but also responsible to the child.
Cashiers and other shoppers kept catching my eye and smiling. My son is taller than me, has long hair and was dressed kind like a "cool" kid. When he calls me "mom" it has a certain tenderness in the tone&mash;kind of the tone I use when I call one of the boys "honey" or "sweetie". He often calls me Marina. I answer to both, lol.
I realized as we walked home that people thought it is incongruous to see a Teen Boy out with his ma. I think that is in part about unschoolingmash;the affectionate respectful dialogue between parent and child. As we were leaving people were gaping as he sweetly asked me to switch bags with him, so I could carry the lighter one :)
In the past when someone with a younger child in tow has asked for "the secret" to all this respect I seem to receive I notice they can't *hear* the answer. I gave a lot of respect, choices and did a lot of trusting. I didn't ignore him. I was the resource. I listened, advised, and loved and laughed and supported. Unschooling is license, it isn't throwing conventional social rules out the window, but it is about taking a respectful approach to introducing social rules, and information. It is about a dialogue and about working together. You are responsible for the child, but also responsible to the child.
If your spouse competes with the kids for your attention or with you for their attention--unschooling and family relationships in general won't work.
John got nostalgic for when Rowan was three or so, and he actually drew the parallel about how our relationship with our son started with all the power/responsibility on the adult side and all the love, respect, and patience flowing to our son. Now, he is seeing flow both ways, and with our two younger kids at a sleepover, John was able to celebrate the journey. I was too busy hanging out with Rowan in the moment to see any of it on Saturday night:) He reflected on what an amazing kid Rowan is and what an amazing patient open-minded man he is growing up to become. The next morning he was talking to me about how wonderful it was to hear Rowan and I chatting and laughing.
We ended up watching Abbot and Costello shorts on youtube and some cartoons.
I realized how quickly time flies and just how happy I am I didn't listen to naysayers, but instead listened to my son and my instinct. The thing about being an unschooling family is none of it was "strange" to me, and it wasn't until later on that I realized why it might seem so odd to others. It seems so sad that a mom and her teenager eating, laughing and watching a movie should be so unusual.
John got nostalgic for when Rowan was three or so, and he actually drew the parallel about how our relationship with our son started with all the power/responsibility on the adult side and all the love, respect, and patience flowing to our son. Now, he is seeing flow both ways, and with our two younger kids at a sleepover, John was able to celebrate the journey. I was too busy hanging out with Rowan in the moment to see any of it on Saturday night:) He reflected on what an amazing kid Rowan is and what an amazing patient open-minded man he is growing up to become. The next morning he was talking to me about how wonderful it was to hear Rowan and I chatting and laughing.
We ended up watching Abbot and Costello shorts on youtube and some cartoons.
I realized how quickly time flies and just how happy I am I didn't listen to naysayers, but instead listened to my son and my instinct. The thing about being an unschooling family is none of it was "strange" to me, and it wasn't until later on that I realized why it might seem so odd to others. It seems so sad that a mom and her teenager eating, laughing and watching a movie should be so unusual.
Unschooling means parenting with care and respect. To me it also about collaboration and love.
I can ask my kids to help load the dishwasher and they will very often, or I could insist and bring on guilt trips, make less desirable foods, or deduct allowances. It is really a choice.
Presumably anyone who starts with little choices will continue to relate to their children positively and the children will reciprocate. As they get older they may smoke or make choices we wouldn't make for them, but if the present is any indication they will be receptive to opinions from mom and dad. They will know that people who love you are respectful and anyone who uses punishment/coercion isn't interest in a relationship built on mutual respect. That's all they know from people they grew up with about love, being entwined with respect:)
I have a connection to my kids based on love and trust. My partner, my kids and l know one another to be doing our best and so we all are inspired to contribute more to one another's contentment. Less energy is wasted on negative things.
Ultimately, that's what soured me on tools or gimmicks. If you have an agenda other than honesty, and love unschooling won't work. More than money and fancy trips unschooling is about connection, honesty and gentle nurturing parenting. The product of that home(your child) will know they were loved and cherished and given all possible opportunities!
I can ask my kids to help load the dishwasher and they will very often, or I could insist and bring on guilt trips, make less desirable foods, or deduct allowances. It is really a choice.
Presumably anyone who starts with little choices will continue to relate to their children positively and the children will reciprocate. As they get older they may smoke or make choices we wouldn't make for them, but if the present is any indication they will be receptive to opinions from mom and dad. They will know that people who love you are respectful and anyone who uses punishment/coercion isn't interest in a relationship built on mutual respect. That's all they know from people they grew up with about love, being entwined with respect:)
I have a connection to my kids based on love and trust. My partner, my kids and l know one another to be doing our best and so we all are inspired to contribute more to one another's contentment. Less energy is wasted on negative things.
Ultimately, that's what soured me on tools or gimmicks. If you have an agenda other than honesty, and love unschooling won't work. More than money and fancy trips unschooling is about connection, honesty and gentle nurturing parenting. The product of that home(your child) will know they were loved and cherished and given all possible opportunities!
Unschooling is not about radical pedagogy or about child-led learning--it is about building relationships. Living fully is not LICENSE TO EAT CANDY or MOVIE WATCHING as A LIFESTYLE or UNPARENTING. It is dynamic: offering children more opportunities and building relationships.
Nothing is more important than building relationships with your family--respectful, loving relationships.
Unschooling is not a magic formula for success--there isn't one.
Marina
Nothing is more important than building relationships with your family--respectful, loving relationships.
Unschooling is not a magic formula for success--there isn't one.
Marina
Perhaps unschooling doesn't play well in the media because one can't demonstrate it or deconstruct it's impact on people's choices or in people's lives.
It is a big big topic--life. Life can't be bottled and sold, not with all the possibilities or freedom available. We are limited by our imagination, and sometimes not even limited by our imaginations but the collective imaginations of our families, friends and communities if we have an open mind:-)
So anyone looking for a pat definition for unschooling is stumped--unschooling encompasses intellectual freedom, but also relationships. There are so many intangibles in relationships we can't capture them with words or cameras.
It is a big big topic--life. Life can't be bottled and sold, not with all the possibilities or freedom available. We are limited by our imagination, and sometimes not even limited by our imaginations but the collective imaginations of our families, friends and communities if we have an open mind:-)
So anyone looking for a pat definition for unschooling is stumped--unschooling encompasses intellectual freedom, but also relationships. There are so many intangibles in relationships we can't capture them with words or cameras.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Life, and learning=relationships
Life is about relationships. That's what humans do. If there isn't harmony, love or trust all the rules in the world won't help stop the feeling of suffocation or sense of panic.
Rules are like a house of cards--remove one and everything seems to tumble
down. When this happens you can choose to rebuild the
house--re-establish the rules or do something different with that same deck of cards.
Unparenting is taking the deck and playing solitaire. You make the connections, you set the "rules". Unparenting philosophy came be summed up by the phrase "don't bug me, kid". Like mainstream
parenting it is about adult convenience. The
parent maintains freedom and control through inaction rather than through
action(punishment/reward). The effect on the child is
disempowerment, coupled with a lack of connection/security.
Unschooling is taking the deck shuffling it and playing Concentration or Poker or Crazy Eights: all group games. The hard
thing is discovering you're playing Poker and everyone else is playing
Euchre. So, maybe this leads to talk about changing the game as
circumstances change. There is a certain amount of collaboration,
agreement and persistence, with trust that nobody is cheating. In the end we invent our own
collaborative family game. Everyone can do that. Invent and create your
own game, with no winners or losers;-)
First trust yourself, trust your bond with your family, then trust your instinct, your feelings and your ability to make
observations. There are no wrong answers, so there is no right
answer. This can seem scary. I am not saying there isn't a
solution--just the opposite there are many different ones. If you trust your family
member's abilities to develop their individual instincts and ability to
make observations and work collaboratively you will live together in
harmony.
This is ingrained in school culture--follow the formula, and you will pass the test. There are patterns of behaviour in life, but links
aren't always clear and in the end there is no final test, which frees
us to move on or allows us to "forget" all we learned so we can make
room for a fresh subject. Life is cumulative knowledge, and
experience. We aren't taught this onotological approach, but we
intuit its existence. Unfortnately the greater culture doesn't
articulate this because the school model is pervasive. Many parents
see parenting as a formula.
When my oldest was not quite three I noticed that 4 o'clock was a time of bursts of energy, erratic behavior and generally what I
sheepishly told other parents was the four o'clock crazies.
Most children and many adults seem afflicted, explaining the prevelance
of snacking/having tea/drinks at that time in many cultures. That
expression makes me cringe now, because though light-hearted I was
really embarrassed--scared to be seen as coddling my child--to admit how
I took his needs into consideration when formulating our plans. To
avoid this stressful situation I bought Rowan a watch, made sure we
weren't in a Mall or enclosed space, indulged in an afternoon snack and
employed no coercive behaviour. We were able to go to coffeeshops
together and while he sipped his herbal tea and I my coffee, share cake
and giggle, or have serious chats, or we could shop, but we were in a
park or safe space by 3pm. Other parents wanted the formula,
but there wasn't one--which left some hissing "why can't you be good,
like that little girl over there". Others resigned themselves to their
kids throwing things and jumping off tables.
Shaming, physical restraint, and overtaxing were things I was consciously avoiding--sometimes think about where not to go, and other
paths emerge. This left room to design a different way to relate.
Things weren't always what they appeared: Rowan wasn't a girl, nor was
he "good" or bad. His behaviour would sometimes be inconvenient, if I
chose following my whims all day. I wasn't walking on eggshells
following his "whims" all day either, though. But like everyone, young
or old, enjoying any experience, intimacy, or cake at a time when both
had the "energy" to sit in a cafe meant we both enjoyed the
experience. Other times we shopped, drew, played outside, or just
sat. As an adult my life experience gave me perspective; I could
analyze my feelings or prioritize better so we were less stressed out.
The unexpected thing was that Rowan became more aware of my feelings
and learned to challenge all assumptions/ideas. I couldn't see how
school would fit into things so quickly decided homeschooling would be
the way to go. I didn't count on Rowan interacting with the larger
culture developing an opinion on the matter. He went, left, went
back, left again and now goes to a freeschool.
It is helpful to remember humans are not omnipotent. If you can say mea culpa forgive yourself, learn and move forward this is helpful. Everyone is still learning!
Rules are like a house of cards--remove one and everything seems to tumble
down. When this happens you can choose to rebuild the
house--re-establish the rules or do something different with that same deck of cards.
Unparenting is taking the deck and playing solitaire. You make the connections, you set the "rules". Unparenting philosophy came be summed up by the phrase "don't bug me, kid". Like mainstream
parenting it is about adult convenience. The
parent maintains freedom and control through inaction rather than through
action(punishment/reward). The effect on the child is
disempowerment, coupled with a lack of connection/security.
Unschooling is taking the deck shuffling it and playing Concentration or Poker or Crazy Eights: all group games. The hard
thing is discovering you're playing Poker and everyone else is playing
Euchre. So, maybe this leads to talk about changing the game as
circumstances change. There is a certain amount of collaboration,
agreement and persistence, with trust that nobody is cheating. In the end we invent our own
collaborative family game. Everyone can do that. Invent and create your
own game, with no winners or losers;-)
First trust yourself, trust your bond with your family, then trust your instinct, your feelings and your ability to make
observations. There are no wrong answers, so there is no right
answer. This can seem scary. I am not saying there isn't a
solution--just the opposite there are many different ones. If you trust your family
member's abilities to develop their individual instincts and ability to
make observations and work collaboratively you will live together in
harmony.
This is ingrained in school culture--follow the formula, and you will pass the test. There are patterns of behaviour in life, but links
aren't always clear and in the end there is no final test, which frees
us to move on or allows us to "forget" all we learned so we can make
room for a fresh subject. Life is cumulative knowledge, and
experience. We aren't taught this onotological approach, but we
intuit its existence. Unfortnately the greater culture doesn't
articulate this because the school model is pervasive. Many parents
see parenting as a formula.
When my oldest was not quite three I noticed that 4 o'clock was a time of bursts of energy, erratic behavior and generally what I
sheepishly told other parents was the four o'clock crazies.
Most children and many adults seem afflicted, explaining the prevelance
of snacking/having tea/drinks at that time in many cultures. That
expression makes me cringe now, because though light-hearted I was
really embarrassed--scared to be seen as coddling my child--to admit how
I took his needs into consideration when formulating our plans. To
avoid this stressful situation I bought Rowan a watch, made sure we
weren't in a Mall or enclosed space, indulged in an afternoon snack and
employed no coercive behaviour. We were able to go to coffeeshops
together and while he sipped his herbal tea and I my coffee, share cake
and giggle, or have serious chats, or we could shop, but we were in a
park or safe space by 3pm. Other parents wanted the formula,
but there wasn't one--which left some hissing "why can't you be good,
like that little girl over there". Others resigned themselves to their
kids throwing things and jumping off tables.
Shaming, physical restraint, and overtaxing were things I was consciously avoiding--sometimes think about where not to go, and other
paths emerge. This left room to design a different way to relate.
Things weren't always what they appeared: Rowan wasn't a girl, nor was
he "good" or bad. His behaviour would sometimes be inconvenient, if I
chose following my whims all day. I wasn't walking on eggshells
following his "whims" all day either, though. But like everyone, young
or old, enjoying any experience, intimacy, or cake at a time when both
had the "energy" to sit in a cafe meant we both enjoyed the
experience. Other times we shopped, drew, played outside, or just
sat. As an adult my life experience gave me perspective; I could
analyze my feelings or prioritize better so we were less stressed out.
The unexpected thing was that Rowan became more aware of my feelings
and learned to challenge all assumptions/ideas. I couldn't see how
school would fit into things so quickly decided homeschooling would be
the way to go. I didn't count on Rowan interacting with the larger
culture developing an opinion on the matter. He went, left, went
back, left again and now goes to a freeschool.
It is helpful to remember humans are not omnipotent. If you can say mea culpa forgive yourself, learn and move forward this is helpful. Everyone is still learning!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
http://www.naturallifemagazine.com/1004/ask_naomi_aldort_freedom.htm
I think she is missing the point...I think there are many absentee unschooling folks who like to unparent. Unparenting with "junkfood" and tv/movies at a child's disposal means a lonely kid might just chose from limited options junkfood and "movies" all the time. But when movies, toys, science centre, craft supplies, books and Monopoly/Board Games are around things get mighty interesting! If parents are around kids make choices in freedom, but with advice. Plus I live in the 21st century--why would I pretend otherwise?
My seven year old, ten year old and fourteen year old all played Monopoly with Mom(me) Saturday night. Yes, we ate chips, pizza, and strawberries(topped with Marty's freshly whipped cream with maple syrup). Rowan, and Crispin set up the Board and chips. Marty left the Wii to join us(though he was free to snack in front of the Wii, alone).
Today my husband was going to a museum and the fourteen year old who played with mom and little bros, rather than friends online, invited the guys to go to a museum with his dad (and brothers) instead of chilling at home with unlimited games. Guess what...Rowan and his teen friends went to a musuem, because they could game anytime!
However, a child who “needs” candy or a movie is not free; the experience of candy or TV has created the illusion of a need.
Okay, obviously she's never heard of Dr Clara Davis who discovered when offered diverse choice infants actually balanced their diets. They did often eat dessert first:)
Also,
The relations between restriction and weight outcomes are consistent with previous research, which demonstrated that high parental restriction was related to increased intake and higher weight statuses among children(http://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(09)00448-X/fulltext)
Again, none of us are advocating kids are magic omnipotent pixie beings, just that given options they make good choices.
Does anyone else find these experts frustrating?
--
I think she is missing the point...I think there are many absentee unschooling folks who like to unparent. Unparenting with "junkfood" and tv/movies at a child's disposal means a lonely kid might just chose from limited options junkfood and "movies" all the time. But when movies, toys, science centre, craft supplies, books and Monopoly/Board Games are around things get mighty interesting! If parents are around kids make choices in freedom, but with advice. Plus I live in the 21st century--why would I pretend otherwise?
My seven year old, ten year old and fourteen year old all played Monopoly with Mom(me) Saturday night. Yes, we ate chips, pizza, and strawberries(topped with Marty's freshly whipped cream with maple syrup). Rowan, and Crispin set up the Board and chips. Marty left the Wii to join us(though he was free to snack in front of the Wii, alone).
Today my husband was going to a museum and the fourteen year old who played with mom and little bros, rather than friends online, invited the guys to go to a museum with his dad (and brothers) instead of chilling at home with unlimited games. Guess what...Rowan and his teen friends went to a musuem, because they could game anytime!
However, a child who “needs” candy or a movie is not free; the experience of candy or TV has created the illusion of a need.
Okay, obviously she's never heard of Dr Clara Davis who discovered when offered diverse choice infants actually balanced their diets. They did often eat dessert first:)
Also,
The relations between restriction and weight outcomes are consistent with previous research, which demonstrated that high parental restriction was related to increased intake and higher weight statuses among children(http://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(09)00448-X/fulltext)
Again, none of us are advocating kids are magic omnipotent pixie beings, just that given options they make good choices.
Does anyone else find these experts frustrating?
--
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