What is a parent's job? Is it to judge a child's decisions and "guide" them so they are always safe? Is it to nurture confidence--giving unconditional love so a child learns to make choices that will keep him or her safe.

I create the safe spaces to deal with scary stuff. The child learns to deal with it.
Many people looking at us see my children as over-protected. Others see them as too free.
Children learn to walk and talk, and so they learn ethics.

My children live surrounded by many cultures, which sometimes violate my ethics. We examine ideas and practises. Life isn't compartmentalized--they aren't hidden in a nursery, and don't wait to be spoken to in silence. They are explorers.

When my child sees a used condom in the park I explain what it is used for and how I wish the users had a different venue. They aren't, I suppose innocent. I wouldn't reply to a question without providing as much information as the child requires. But then knowledge is power and it is a continuum from ignorant to knowledgeable. In seeing a condom a child in our culture knows not to pick it up, though and why.

"Innocence" is a concept that hasn't been around long and it hasn't served children very well. I am not sure innocence or ignorance is freedom. I see it as exclusion from participating fully and possibly creating vulnerability. In other times and in other cultures children have witnessed animals being slaughtered for food, animals giving birth and probably animals copulating all before the age of five.

But my kids know what is normal in our culture and have a sense of their own sovereignty. I don't go out of my way to show them scary things, but anything encountered gets explained. Knowledge gives context and protection of sorts: providing freedom to enjoy life to its fullest in safety.

I am going for an integrated living approach. I try to honour their impulses. I think ignorance is dangerous and I think kids assimilate information as "apprenticing" adults.

I have seen children who are confident and enjoy freedom, make choices in many areas. For instance, one of my son's friends set up a ramp to jump with bikes fours summers ago. My son, the daredevil decided it wasn't safe. His position of daredevil I realized was a moot point as far as he was concerned. He hadn't bought into it at all, so he had no problem telling his friend he did not feel the jump was safe. He really was only doing things he felt safe doing all along; though he acquired a reputation as a "daredevil" among his circle of friends.

I was within earshot, so was aware there was for Rowan a perception of danger but could hear the attempts of others to persuade Rowan by nagging or shaming him into doing something he did not wish to do. I was not worried about physical danger because I felt Rowan able to make that decision with respect to bike riding and ramps, but rather his feelings of self-worth. Rowan made his choice and then dropped by for some parental reassurance--not to gage whether I thought the jump was dangerous, but just reassurance that it was his choice.

All I did was ask, "Do you think you made the right choice?". He replied affirmatively and I exhaled. He did not feel bad about his choice. He expressed disappointment in his friend, but was still secure in himself and his choice. We celebrated his judgement and it was sweet.This episode deepened my trust and respect, because I saw him in a situation where his own judgement that something was unsafe superseded his wish to belong to a group. My admiration reinforced his ability to walk away from a "friend" who wasn't giving him autonomy, trust and respect--though that was not my intention.