On Saturday night my 14 year old son and I went out and bought snacks. As we picked out snacks my son chatted about what movie we might watch, picked out raw veggies for a crudite plate, a bag of cheese popcorn, and a dessert.
Cashiers and other shoppers kept catching my eye and smiling. My son is taller than me, has long hair and was dressed kind like a "cool" kid. When he calls me "mom" it has a certain tenderness in the tone&mash;kind of the tone I use when I call one of the boys "honey" or "sweetie". He often calls me Marina. I answer to both, lol.
I realized as we walked home that people thought it is incongruous to see a Teen Boy out with his ma. I think that is in part about unschoolingmash;the affectionate respectful dialogue between parent and child. As we were leaving people were gaping as he sweetly asked me to switch bags with him, so I could carry the lighter one :)
In the past when someone with a younger child in tow has asked for "the secret" to all this respect I seem to receive I notice they can't *hear* the answer. I gave a lot of respect, choices and did a lot of trusting. I didn't ignore him. I was the resource. I listened, advised, and loved and laughed and supported. Unschooling is license, it isn't throwing conventional social rules out the window, but it is about taking a respectful approach to introducing social rules, and information. It is about a dialogue and about working together. You are responsible for the child, but also responsible to the child.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
If your spouse competes with the kids for your attention or with you for their attention--unschooling and family relationships in general won't work.
John got nostalgic for when Rowan was three or so, and he actually drew the parallel about how our relationship with our son started with all the power/responsibility on the adult side and all the love, respect, and patience flowing to our son. Now, he is seeing flow both ways, and with our two younger kids at a sleepover, John was able to celebrate the journey. I was too busy hanging out with Rowan in the moment to see any of it on Saturday night:) He reflected on what an amazing kid Rowan is and what an amazing patient open-minded man he is growing up to become. The next morning he was talking to me about how wonderful it was to hear Rowan and I chatting and laughing.
We ended up watching Abbot and Costello shorts on youtube and some cartoons.
I realized how quickly time flies and just how happy I am I didn't listen to naysayers, but instead listened to my son and my instinct. The thing about being an unschooling family is none of it was "strange" to me, and it wasn't until later on that I realized why it might seem so odd to others. It seems so sad that a mom and her teenager eating, laughing and watching a movie should be so unusual.
John got nostalgic for when Rowan was three or so, and he actually drew the parallel about how our relationship with our son started with all the power/responsibility on the adult side and all the love, respect, and patience flowing to our son. Now, he is seeing flow both ways, and with our two younger kids at a sleepover, John was able to celebrate the journey. I was too busy hanging out with Rowan in the moment to see any of it on Saturday night:) He reflected on what an amazing kid Rowan is and what an amazing patient open-minded man he is growing up to become. The next morning he was talking to me about how wonderful it was to hear Rowan and I chatting and laughing.
We ended up watching Abbot and Costello shorts on youtube and some cartoons.
I realized how quickly time flies and just how happy I am I didn't listen to naysayers, but instead listened to my son and my instinct. The thing about being an unschooling family is none of it was "strange" to me, and it wasn't until later on that I realized why it might seem so odd to others. It seems so sad that a mom and her teenager eating, laughing and watching a movie should be so unusual.
Unschooling means parenting with care and respect. To me it also about collaboration and love.
I can ask my kids to help load the dishwasher and they will very often, or I could insist and bring on guilt trips, make less desirable foods, or deduct allowances. It is really a choice.
Presumably anyone who starts with little choices will continue to relate to their children positively and the children will reciprocate. As they get older they may smoke or make choices we wouldn't make for them, but if the present is any indication they will be receptive to opinions from mom and dad. They will know that people who love you are respectful and anyone who uses punishment/coercion isn't interest in a relationship built on mutual respect. That's all they know from people they grew up with about love, being entwined with respect:)
I have a connection to my kids based on love and trust. My partner, my kids and l know one another to be doing our best and so we all are inspired to contribute more to one another's contentment. Less energy is wasted on negative things.
Ultimately, that's what soured me on tools or gimmicks. If you have an agenda other than honesty, and love unschooling won't work. More than money and fancy trips unschooling is about connection, honesty and gentle nurturing parenting. The product of that home(your child) will know they were loved and cherished and given all possible opportunities!
I can ask my kids to help load the dishwasher and they will very often, or I could insist and bring on guilt trips, make less desirable foods, or deduct allowances. It is really a choice.
Presumably anyone who starts with little choices will continue to relate to their children positively and the children will reciprocate. As they get older they may smoke or make choices we wouldn't make for them, but if the present is any indication they will be receptive to opinions from mom and dad. They will know that people who love you are respectful and anyone who uses punishment/coercion isn't interest in a relationship built on mutual respect. That's all they know from people they grew up with about love, being entwined with respect:)
I have a connection to my kids based on love and trust. My partner, my kids and l know one another to be doing our best and so we all are inspired to contribute more to one another's contentment. Less energy is wasted on negative things.
Ultimately, that's what soured me on tools or gimmicks. If you have an agenda other than honesty, and love unschooling won't work. More than money and fancy trips unschooling is about connection, honesty and gentle nurturing parenting. The product of that home(your child) will know they were loved and cherished and given all possible opportunities!
Unschooling is not about radical pedagogy or about child-led learning--it is about building relationships. Living fully is not LICENSE TO EAT CANDY or MOVIE WATCHING as A LIFESTYLE or UNPARENTING. It is dynamic: offering children more opportunities and building relationships.
Nothing is more important than building relationships with your family--respectful, loving relationships.
Unschooling is not a magic formula for success--there isn't one.
Marina
Nothing is more important than building relationships with your family--respectful, loving relationships.
Unschooling is not a magic formula for success--there isn't one.
Marina
Perhaps unschooling doesn't play well in the media because one can't demonstrate it or deconstruct it's impact on people's choices or in people's lives.
It is a big big topic--life. Life can't be bottled and sold, not with all the possibilities or freedom available. We are limited by our imagination, and sometimes not even limited by our imaginations but the collective imaginations of our families, friends and communities if we have an open mind:-)
So anyone looking for a pat definition for unschooling is stumped--unschooling encompasses intellectual freedom, but also relationships. There are so many intangibles in relationships we can't capture them with words or cameras.
It is a big big topic--life. Life can't be bottled and sold, not with all the possibilities or freedom available. We are limited by our imagination, and sometimes not even limited by our imaginations but the collective imaginations of our families, friends and communities if we have an open mind:-)
So anyone looking for a pat definition for unschooling is stumped--unschooling encompasses intellectual freedom, but also relationships. There are so many intangibles in relationships we can't capture them with words or cameras.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Life, and learning=relationships
Life is about relationships. That's what humans do. If there isn't harmony, love or trust all the rules in the world won't help stop the feeling of suffocation or sense of panic.
Rules are like a house of cards--remove one and everything seems to tumble
down. When this happens you can choose to rebuild the
house--re-establish the rules or do something different with that same deck of cards.
Unparenting is taking the deck and playing solitaire. You make the connections, you set the "rules". Unparenting philosophy came be summed up by the phrase "don't bug me, kid". Like mainstream
parenting it is about adult convenience. The
parent maintains freedom and control through inaction rather than through
action(punishment/reward). The effect on the child is
disempowerment, coupled with a lack of connection/security.
Unschooling is taking the deck shuffling it and playing Concentration or Poker or Crazy Eights: all group games. The hard
thing is discovering you're playing Poker and everyone else is playing
Euchre. So, maybe this leads to talk about changing the game as
circumstances change. There is a certain amount of collaboration,
agreement and persistence, with trust that nobody is cheating. In the end we invent our own
collaborative family game. Everyone can do that. Invent and create your
own game, with no winners or losers;-)
First trust yourself, trust your bond with your family, then trust your instinct, your feelings and your ability to make
observations. There are no wrong answers, so there is no right
answer. This can seem scary. I am not saying there isn't a
solution--just the opposite there are many different ones. If you trust your family
member's abilities to develop their individual instincts and ability to
make observations and work collaboratively you will live together in
harmony.
This is ingrained in school culture--follow the formula, and you will pass the test. There are patterns of behaviour in life, but links
aren't always clear and in the end there is no final test, which frees
us to move on or allows us to "forget" all we learned so we can make
room for a fresh subject. Life is cumulative knowledge, and
experience. We aren't taught this onotological approach, but we
intuit its existence. Unfortnately the greater culture doesn't
articulate this because the school model is pervasive. Many parents
see parenting as a formula.
When my oldest was not quite three I noticed that 4 o'clock was a time of bursts of energy, erratic behavior and generally what I
sheepishly told other parents was the four o'clock crazies.
Most children and many adults seem afflicted, explaining the prevelance
of snacking/having tea/drinks at that time in many cultures. That
expression makes me cringe now, because though light-hearted I was
really embarrassed--scared to be seen as coddling my child--to admit how
I took his needs into consideration when formulating our plans. To
avoid this stressful situation I bought Rowan a watch, made sure we
weren't in a Mall or enclosed space, indulged in an afternoon snack and
employed no coercive behaviour. We were able to go to coffeeshops
together and while he sipped his herbal tea and I my coffee, share cake
and giggle, or have serious chats, or we could shop, but we were in a
park or safe space by 3pm. Other parents wanted the formula,
but there wasn't one--which left some hissing "why can't you be good,
like that little girl over there". Others resigned themselves to their
kids throwing things and jumping off tables.
Shaming, physical restraint, and overtaxing were things I was consciously avoiding--sometimes think about where not to go, and other
paths emerge. This left room to design a different way to relate.
Things weren't always what they appeared: Rowan wasn't a girl, nor was
he "good" or bad. His behaviour would sometimes be inconvenient, if I
chose following my whims all day. I wasn't walking on eggshells
following his "whims" all day either, though. But like everyone, young
or old, enjoying any experience, intimacy, or cake at a time when both
had the "energy" to sit in a cafe meant we both enjoyed the
experience. Other times we shopped, drew, played outside, or just
sat. As an adult my life experience gave me perspective; I could
analyze my feelings or prioritize better so we were less stressed out.
The unexpected thing was that Rowan became more aware of my feelings
and learned to challenge all assumptions/ideas. I couldn't see how
school would fit into things so quickly decided homeschooling would be
the way to go. I didn't count on Rowan interacting with the larger
culture developing an opinion on the matter. He went, left, went
back, left again and now goes to a freeschool.
It is helpful to remember humans are not omnipotent. If you can say mea culpa forgive yourself, learn and move forward this is helpful. Everyone is still learning!
Rules are like a house of cards--remove one and everything seems to tumble
down. When this happens you can choose to rebuild the
house--re-establish the rules or do something different with that same deck of cards.
Unparenting is taking the deck and playing solitaire. You make the connections, you set the "rules". Unparenting philosophy came be summed up by the phrase "don't bug me, kid". Like mainstream
parenting it is about adult convenience. The
parent maintains freedom and control through inaction rather than through
action(punishment/reward). The effect on the child is
disempowerment, coupled with a lack of connection/security.
Unschooling is taking the deck shuffling it and playing Concentration or Poker or Crazy Eights: all group games. The hard
thing is discovering you're playing Poker and everyone else is playing
Euchre. So, maybe this leads to talk about changing the game as
circumstances change. There is a certain amount of collaboration,
agreement and persistence, with trust that nobody is cheating. In the end we invent our own
collaborative family game. Everyone can do that. Invent and create your
own game, with no winners or losers;-)
First trust yourself, trust your bond with your family, then trust your instinct, your feelings and your ability to make
observations. There are no wrong answers, so there is no right
answer. This can seem scary. I am not saying there isn't a
solution--just the opposite there are many different ones. If you trust your family
member's abilities to develop their individual instincts and ability to
make observations and work collaboratively you will live together in
harmony.
This is ingrained in school culture--follow the formula, and you will pass the test. There are patterns of behaviour in life, but links
aren't always clear and in the end there is no final test, which frees
us to move on or allows us to "forget" all we learned so we can make
room for a fresh subject. Life is cumulative knowledge, and
experience. We aren't taught this onotological approach, but we
intuit its existence. Unfortnately the greater culture doesn't
articulate this because the school model is pervasive. Many parents
see parenting as a formula.
When my oldest was not quite three I noticed that 4 o'clock was a time of bursts of energy, erratic behavior and generally what I
sheepishly told other parents was the four o'clock crazies.
Most children and many adults seem afflicted, explaining the prevelance
of snacking/having tea/drinks at that time in many cultures. That
expression makes me cringe now, because though light-hearted I was
really embarrassed--scared to be seen as coddling my child--to admit how
I took his needs into consideration when formulating our plans. To
avoid this stressful situation I bought Rowan a watch, made sure we
weren't in a Mall or enclosed space, indulged in an afternoon snack and
employed no coercive behaviour. We were able to go to coffeeshops
together and while he sipped his herbal tea and I my coffee, share cake
and giggle, or have serious chats, or we could shop, but we were in a
park or safe space by 3pm. Other parents wanted the formula,
but there wasn't one--which left some hissing "why can't you be good,
like that little girl over there". Others resigned themselves to their
kids throwing things and jumping off tables.
Shaming, physical restraint, and overtaxing were things I was consciously avoiding--sometimes think about where not to go, and other
paths emerge. This left room to design a different way to relate.
Things weren't always what they appeared: Rowan wasn't a girl, nor was
he "good" or bad. His behaviour would sometimes be inconvenient, if I
chose following my whims all day. I wasn't walking on eggshells
following his "whims" all day either, though. But like everyone, young
or old, enjoying any experience, intimacy, or cake at a time when both
had the "energy" to sit in a cafe meant we both enjoyed the
experience. Other times we shopped, drew, played outside, or just
sat. As an adult my life experience gave me perspective; I could
analyze my feelings or prioritize better so we were less stressed out.
The unexpected thing was that Rowan became more aware of my feelings
and learned to challenge all assumptions/ideas. I couldn't see how
school would fit into things so quickly decided homeschooling would be
the way to go. I didn't count on Rowan interacting with the larger
culture developing an opinion on the matter. He went, left, went
back, left again and now goes to a freeschool.
It is helpful to remember humans are not omnipotent. If you can say mea culpa forgive yourself, learn and move forward this is helpful. Everyone is still learning!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
http://www.naturallifemagazine.com/1004/ask_naomi_aldort_freedom.htm
I think she is missing the point...I think there are many absentee unschooling folks who like to unparent. Unparenting with "junkfood" and tv/movies at a child's disposal means a lonely kid might just chose from limited options junkfood and "movies" all the time. But when movies, toys, science centre, craft supplies, books and Monopoly/Board Games are around things get mighty interesting! If parents are around kids make choices in freedom, but with advice. Plus I live in the 21st century--why would I pretend otherwise?
My seven year old, ten year old and fourteen year old all played Monopoly with Mom(me) Saturday night. Yes, we ate chips, pizza, and strawberries(topped with Marty's freshly whipped cream with maple syrup). Rowan, and Crispin set up the Board and chips. Marty left the Wii to join us(though he was free to snack in front of the Wii, alone).
Today my husband was going to a museum and the fourteen year old who played with mom and little bros, rather than friends online, invited the guys to go to a museum with his dad (and brothers) instead of chilling at home with unlimited games. Guess what...Rowan and his teen friends went to a musuem, because they could game anytime!
However, a child who “needs” candy or a movie is not free; the experience of candy or TV has created the illusion of a need.
Okay, obviously she's never heard of Dr Clara Davis who discovered when offered diverse choice infants actually balanced their diets. They did often eat dessert first:)
Also,
The relations between restriction and weight outcomes are consistent with previous research, which demonstrated that high parental restriction was related to increased intake and higher weight statuses among children(http://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(09)00448-X/fulltext)
Again, none of us are advocating kids are magic omnipotent pixie beings, just that given options they make good choices.
Does anyone else find these experts frustrating?
--
I think she is missing the point...I think there are many absentee unschooling folks who like to unparent. Unparenting with "junkfood" and tv/movies at a child's disposal means a lonely kid might just chose from limited options junkfood and "movies" all the time. But when movies, toys, science centre, craft supplies, books and Monopoly/Board Games are around things get mighty interesting! If parents are around kids make choices in freedom, but with advice. Plus I live in the 21st century--why would I pretend otherwise?
My seven year old, ten year old and fourteen year old all played Monopoly with Mom(me) Saturday night. Yes, we ate chips, pizza, and strawberries(topped with Marty's freshly whipped cream with maple syrup). Rowan, and Crispin set up the Board and chips. Marty left the Wii to join us(though he was free to snack in front of the Wii, alone).
Today my husband was going to a museum and the fourteen year old who played with mom and little bros, rather than friends online, invited the guys to go to a museum with his dad (and brothers) instead of chilling at home with unlimited games. Guess what...Rowan and his teen friends went to a musuem, because they could game anytime!
However, a child who “needs” candy or a movie is not free; the experience of candy or TV has created the illusion of a need.
Okay, obviously she's never heard of Dr Clara Davis who discovered when offered diverse choice infants actually balanced their diets. They did often eat dessert first:)
Also,
The relations between restriction and weight outcomes are consistent with previous research, which demonstrated that high parental restriction was related to increased intake and higher weight statuses among children(http://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(09)00448-X/fulltext)
Again, none of us are advocating kids are magic omnipotent pixie beings, just that given options they make good choices.
Does anyone else find these experts frustrating?
--
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