Life, and learning=relationships

Life is about relationships. That's what humans do. If there isn't harmony, love or trust all the rules in the world won't help stop the feeling of suffocation or sense of panic.

Rules are like a house of cards--remove one and everything seems to tumble
down. When this happens you can choose to rebuild the
house--re-establish the rules or do something different with that same deck of cards.

Unparenting is taking the deck and playing solitaire. You make the connections, you set the "rules". Unparenting philosophy came be summed up by the phrase "don't bug me, kid". Like mainstream
parenting it is about adult convenience. The
parent maintains freedom and control through inaction rather than through
action(punishment/reward). The effect on the child is
disempowerment, coupled with a lack of connection/security.

Unschooling is taking the deck shuffling it and playing Concentration or Poker or Crazy Eights: all group games. The hard
thing is discovering you're playing Poker and everyone else is playing
Euchre. So, maybe this leads to talk about changing the game as
circumstances change. There is a certain amount of collaboration,
agreement and persistence, with trust that nobody is cheating. In the end we invent our own
collaborative family game. Everyone can do that. Invent and create your
own game, with no winners or losers;-)

First trust yourself, trust your bond with your family, then trust your instinct, your feelings and your ability to make
observations. There are no wrong answers, so there is no right
answer. This can seem scary. I am not saying there isn't a
solution--just the opposite there are many different ones. If you trust your family
member's abilities to develop their individual instincts and ability to
make observations and work collaboratively you will live together in
harmony.

This is ingrained in school culture--follow the formula, and you will pass the test. There are patterns of behaviour in life, but links
aren't always clear and in the end there is no final test, which frees
us to move on or allows us to "forget" all we learned so we can make
room for a fresh subject. Life is cumulative knowledge, and
experience. We aren't taught this onotological approach, but we
intuit its existence. Unfortnately the greater culture doesn't
articulate this because the school model is pervasive. Many parents
see parenting as a formula.

When my oldest was not quite three I noticed that 4 o'clock was a time of bursts of energy, erratic behavior and generally what I
sheepishly told other parents was the four o'clock crazies.
Most children and many adults seem afflicted, explaining the prevelance
of snacking/having tea/drinks at that time in many cultures. That
expression makes me cringe now, because though light-hearted I was
really embarrassed--scared to be seen as coddling my child--to admit how
I took his needs into consideration when formulating our plans. To
avoid this stressful situation I bought Rowan a watch, made sure we
weren't in a Mall or enclosed space, indulged in an afternoon snack and
employed no coercive behaviour. We were able to go to coffeeshops
together and while he sipped his herbal tea and I my coffee, share cake
and giggle, or have serious chats, or we could shop, but we were in a
park or safe space by 3pm. Other parents wanted the formula,
but there wasn't one--which left some hissing "why can't you be good,
like that little girl over there". Others resigned themselves to their
kids throwing things and jumping off tables.

Shaming, physical restraint, and overtaxing were things I was consciously avoiding--sometimes think about where not to go, and other
paths emerge. This left room to design a different way to relate.
Things weren't always what they appeared: Rowan wasn't a girl, nor was
he "good" or bad. His behaviour would sometimes be inconvenient, if I
chose following my whims all day. I wasn't walking on eggshells
following his "whims" all day either, though. But like everyone, young
or old, enjoying any experience, intimacy, or cake at a time when both
had the "energy" to sit in a cafe meant we both enjoyed the
experience. Other times we shopped, drew, played outside, or just
sat. As an adult my life experience gave me perspective; I could
analyze my feelings or prioritize better so we were less stressed out.
The unexpected thing was that Rowan became more aware of my feelings
and learned to challenge all assumptions/ideas. I couldn't see how
school would fit into things so quickly decided homeschooling would be
the way to go. I didn't count on Rowan interacting with the larger
culture developing an opinion on the matter. He went, left, went
back, left again and now goes to a freeschool.

It is helpful to remember humans are not omnipotent. If you can say mea culpa forgive yourself, learn and move forward this is helpful. Everyone is still learning!